I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
