This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
