You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I will be naked everywhere
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
