I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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