i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
