i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
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i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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