Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
