Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
