Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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