I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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