I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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