Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
