you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
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I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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