im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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