she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
