I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
