I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
