Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
