I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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