Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
