Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
