My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
