omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
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I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
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By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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