i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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