i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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