i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
