sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
