i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
