I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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