I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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