I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
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