I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
