He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
