So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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