My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you had me at cake vodka
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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