he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
