Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
