i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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