apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
