I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
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Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
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My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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