I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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