it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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