I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
