we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
