running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
