It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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