I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
