Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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