Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
