I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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