Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
