If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
