when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
