you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
