I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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