soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
