I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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