Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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