so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Less talking, more tequila
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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